The Bipolar Bear

The Bipolar Bear

By Bill Schaeffer

10-09-03

What a depressive episode feels like:

Imagine being under attack from the inside of your thoughts.  And there is no where to run and it feels like something will come crashing down upon your head, but you realize that it is already inside your head, but you still expect it to come crashing down anyway.

Imagine that there is a churning in your brain like storm clouds made of jello.

Imagine kneading a lump of bread dough in your hands. Imagine the
circular motion of the dough folding back upon itself. Now imagine that
imaginary hands are taking your brain and kneading it like that bread
dough, except it is thoughts that are folding back upon themselves in
your brain and you are powerless to stop it.

Imagine that your body is an empty shell. Your chest and skull are
totally empty, but what is gone is not your guts and brains; but your
hope, your joy, your love, your mirth, your belief in tomorrow, your
future, your laughter, and your life. And now imagine that the shell
that remains weighs 1000 pounds and you can barely move it.

Imagine being in a crowd of people. They are all laughing and talking
about the common cares of the day.   You hear what they are saying, but they are all very far away and distant and nothing they say has any relevance to anything -- especially to the thoughts that are burning in your mind.   You want them to go away and leave you alone.  You tell people, “Don’t talk to me.  Go away and leave me alone.”

Imagine being seized with an anger that has no limit. Imagine the most
grievous violation of your person and imagine how that would make you
feel. Now take that feeling of rage and magnify it 1000 times, but have it be
detached from any real outside event. Now imagine interacting with some
stranger who makes some innocent mistake and you feel compelled to set
the record straight.

Imagine that you know that you are angry, but you cannot help it.  You tell people that you are not mad at them in a very angry tone of voice.  And all the time you really are mad at them but you know that there is no rational reason for it so you try to pretend that you are not angry because that is what you would do if you weren’t already super-irrationally angry.

Imagine being the only person in an empty world where there is no one to
talk to, and no one to touch, and no one to share anything with ever
through all eternity. Like being in solitary confinement in a giant
entertainment prison on an asteroid floating through deep space; and
there is no music, or sound effects on any of the games.

Imagine being at the bottom of a shaft dug into the earth. You only
walk around a little and there isn't room to sit down. You can't climb
out and you can only look up sixty feet to the little spot of sky and
hope no one kicks a stone down the hole.

Imagine thinking the same thought over and over again; knowing that you
are thinking it over and over, and it must stop; but being absolutely unable to stop
the thought from repeating itself over and over again.

Imagine the low grinding sound of an old electric motor with bad
bearings being operated at a low R.P.M. Now imagine that electric
motor is mounted on the inside top of your skull with the axis of
rotation running from temple to temple. The imaginary shaft is pointing
out of your left temple and it is rotating counter clockwise.

Imagine being trapped in a maze of hallways with doors. And no matter
which door you choose, in which hallway, it always leads back to the
same room, which is the one that you were originally trying to leave in
the first place.  And every time you find the same room you get a little more angry and you slam the door a little harder, until soon you are slamming the doors so hard that the whole building is shaking and you aren’t even trying to get out any more.  You are just trying to slam the door as hard and loud as you can.

Imagine the most empty, hollow, lifeless feeling you can.  Now imagine having no idea how to make it stop.

And eventually, if you are lucky, it does stop, or at least it lets up tremendously.    And it feels like a total relief, like 500 pounds are taken off your back. Like you just went through a long physical ordeal and you are now recuperating. You say *whew* a lot and try and take things slow and easy like you are learning to walk again.  You try to not ruffle any feathers or cause any excitement. You apologize to those that you can and mend the breaks that you can and get on with things as best you can. You take a lot of deep breaths and say *whew* a few more times.   Then you sit back, take a deep breath, and brace yourself for the next one...

copyright(c) 2003, 2004, 2014 Wm Schaeffer