Adequate Piano Player's Manifesto

The Adequate Piano Player’s Manifesto

By Bill Schaeffer

I promise that I faithfully read the following articles and consistently use these principles to guide my professional behavior to uphold the dignity of the job of professional piano player.   If I cannot read very well, I promise that I had someone read it to me and I was paying attention.   I affirm that I understand the following principles and that I can actually play a few songs on the piano.

1.  I promise to write the gig on the calendar and arrange for reliable transportation, unless I cannot find a pencil, or my girlfriend has to work.

2. I promise to bathe, shave, and wash my hair before the gig.   I will wear deodorant and brush my teeth.    However, if I don’t have enough time for all that, I will at least shave with an electric razor in the car on the way over.

3. I promise to wear a clean shirt, and clean socks, and clean underwear, and pants without stains on them.   However, if I do not have time to do laundry, I will still wear pants and a shirt; but if I don’t have any clean underwear, then I just won’t wear any.

4. I promise that I won’t bring any friends to the gig so they can get free food and drink, unless they are really good friends and I haven’t seen them in a really long time.

5. I promise to know how to play “Happy Birthday,” “Charlie Brown,” and at least three Christmas songs, but I refuse to play any polkas on the piano, unless it is the Beer Barrel Polka.

6. I promise not to chew gum, eat food, or put lit cigarettes on the piano, unless I was real late and didn’t have time to get dinner first.

7. I promise not to drink excessively unless the piano is out of tune.

8. I promise not to tell “off color” jokes, or use profane language, unless everyone else is doing it anyway; or it is a real funny joke.

9. I promise not to talk about religion, or politics, unless a guest says something that is just plain wrong. 

10. I promise not to dance with the guests unless she is very insistent and her husband is a bad dancer anyway.

11. I promise to take regular breaks and I might take a few irregular ones also.

12. I promise not to drink the expensive vodka if the guests can see me.

13. I promise not to smoke in the kitchen, urinate in the bushes, or instigate fist fights on the front lawn.

14. I promise I won’t try to borrow money from the guests or the family of the Hostess.

15. I promise to leave the gig, in my own car at the appropriate time, unless I am offered a ride, or the bed upstairs is very comfortable.

16. I promise not to show up unexpectedly six months later asking for work, or food, or a ride to the store.

17. I promise to play at least one song, all the way through, without any mistakes at all.

I have read, and agree to, the terms of this agreement.  I promise to uphold the letter and spirit of this document, unless it just seems like way too much work.

Name:

Date:


Signature:

Girlfriend:

Other Girlfriend:

Probation Officer:

copyright (c) 2009, 2014 Wm Schaeffer