One Finger Classics
By Bill Schaeffer
copyright(c)2014
TV Infomercial
"Have you ever wanted to play
the piano, but found practicing just way too much work? Did you want to entertain your friends and
impress the neighbors with your profound musical talent, but found you had no
ability? Are you lonely and bored and
wish you had at least one friend, or even just a mildly interesting hobby? If so, then listen to this:
A revolutionary new music
technology is now available to the general public for the first time in
history. Once a secret of the musical
masters and maestros, this powerful performing technique is now available to
almost everyone. With very little
effort and almost no talent, you too can be the life of the party and amaze
everyone with your intelligence, class, and sophistication. This is the secret for you: “One Finger Classics.”
After a lifetime of study and
research that took me to the farthest corners of Los Angeles, I have devised a simple course
of study to teach the basics of musical entertaining technology. Using the classical masters as my guide and
inspiration, I was able to distill the essence of their musical genius into a
single musical note. And then when I
stretched that note through the temporal dimension of time, I discovered “One
Finger Classics.”
Now you can play any piece of
music that has ever been written with only one finger. Why bother with expensive music lessons, or
time wasting exercises? Get right to
the essence of the music and start performing at parties and social
events. With this short series of
lessons and handy music notation book you will have thousands, if not millions
of songs at your fingertips, without even needing to understand a single
thing. Just close your eyes, follow the
instructions, and prepare to hear beautiful music. This is the marvel of “One Finger Classics.”
Many experts agree that most
of the notes we hear in classical music are redundant and superfluous. A simple statistical analysis will prove
this, especially if the data is manipulated correctly. Therefore, any enlightened person, living in
this busy age, has to ask themselves, “Is it really necessary that I play all
the notes, when I can get the same results with only one finger?” “Do I really want to spend years of boring,
and redundant, practice when I can score with the chicks today?” “Wouldn’t I rather just watch TV and wait
till someone comes over before I play music?”
If any of these sound like you, then you will want to buy “One Finger
Classics.”
This is something that
nobody, no matter how “sophisticated” they think they are, has ever thought of
before and I know you will agree it is brilliant. Our research scientists thoroughly analyzed
all the music that they could easily find and then carefully selected the
simplest songs to work with. Most of
the selections are very familiar and with a few listens, you too will be able
to discern elements of the original.
Thrill your friends with your rendition of “The 5th Symphony,” “The Phantom
of the Opera,” “The 1812 Overture,” and “Rachmaninov’s 3rd Piano
Concerto” -- all with only one finger!
Play all the music Scott Joplin ever wrote in just five minutes with
only one finger.
We even included the entire
Ring cycle on just one page. Did you know that all Slovakian dance music can be played with just
three notes? That is how good this
technique really is.
Never again will you be a
source of ridicule or amusement. Never
again will you be lonely or bored or an object of practical jokes. Never again will you spend good money just
to have a conversation.
Now you can be a superstar. Successful businessmen and beautiful women
will want to meet you. Banks will loan
you money without you even having to ask.
Neighbors will ask your advice and thank you for it. You will take a dream vacation every weekend
and if you faithfully apply the principles, you might even get that dream home
you have always wanted.
So act now and get “One
Finger Classics” before someone else does and they get all the glory.
But wait, there’s more:
If you act now we will throw
in a free copy of “Two Finger Classics.”
Expanding on the original revolutionary music technology, our musical
experts have devised a system of performance for two fingers. Starting with the ancient Eastern Wisdom encoded
in the deceptively simple song “Chop Sticks” we have expanded the technique
into a true World Music. Whereas “One
Finger Classics” concentrates on Western
Music, “Two Finger Classics” allows the student the ability to play any music
ever written in any culture anywhere on Earth.
As you might imagine, this is a very powerful scientific technique and
only recommended once you have mastered the “One Finger Classics.”
But wait, there’s more:
If you act now, we will also
include this instructional CD, “How to Listen to Silence.” Following the philosophy of the most modern
musical ideas, we have formulated this special CD to aid the student in
developing their “inner ear.” This is
truly the most revolutionary technology yet devised and we are only offering
it here for the first time.
Our audio research professional
have developed the most perfect silence ever recorded on CD. This patented “ultra silence”
technology will help your ear develop
the intuitive insight necessary to create your own music. Just listen to the CD twice a day and after
just three weeks you will want to take a walk instead, or maybe watch TV. But your secret “inner ear” will be
strengthened beyond the capacity for human credulity.
So if you act now, not only
do you get “One Finger Classics,” but you also get “Two Finger Classics,” and
the revolutionary audio technology CD “How to Listen to Silence.”
This is an amazing offer that
will not last. Act now. Operators are standing by… "
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