The Legend of Billy the Bagel

The Legend of Billy the Bagel

By Bill Schaeffer

July 23,2003

Ever since he could remember, Billy the Bagel wanted to be a donut.  When he was growing up all his friends were donuts and he always envied them greatly.  Donuts were sugary.  Donuts had icing.  Donuts were jelly filled.  Donuts had nuts.  Donuts were sold at the ball park.  Even the police preferred donuts to bagels.  And if the police thought donuts were better than bagels, then being a bagel was just no good.

His friends used to taunt and tease him, “I never heard of a bagel with chocolate icing.  I never heard of a jelly filled bagel!  Or, get this, how about a jelly filled bagel with icing and sprinkles!”  His friends would howl with laughter.

He would cringe and bear the insults.  “Maybe if I hang out with donuts they’ll like me and THEN I’ll get to date some of those hot little donut holes…”  he thought.

But alas, no one ever paid him any attention except when they were teasing and mocking him for being a bagel.

He grew increasingly depressed.  His parents were unable to console him and started to become worried.  “There’s nothing wrong with being a bagel,” they said, “There are many important bagels in the world.  The sun dried tomato bagel.  The egg bagel.  The raisin bagel.  The salt bagel.  Even the onion bagel is world renowned.”

“But,” he cried, “They don’t have jelly filling or sprinkles!  They don’t have any nuts!”

He sank into a deep depression.  His parents were worried that he might become stale and be left for the “day old shelf.”

Then, a miracle happened.  Word went out that an agent from a big special effects company was looking for bagels to help out on a big budget special effects film.  Billy got his resume together, applied for the job, and got accepted.  His parents were very proud.

“I’ll be working on a tent pole project this summer.  They need some help on bagel day and said that I had the perfect qualifications.  I’m really looking forward to mingling with the stars.  Who knows, maybe I’ll be discovered and then I’ll be rich and famous.”

His friends were incredulous.  “You are real lucky to work in show business,” they said.  “Do you think they need any donuts?”

“I don’t think so boys.  But, if they do -- I’ll be sure to let you know.”

So, eventually the big day came.  Billy the Bagel was starting to work on his first Feature Film.  He was sitting in a big wicker basket with a bunch of other new hires.  The kitchen was bright and warm and was bustling with activity.  A few of his friends got selected for assignments and he wished them luck.

Boy, this is exciting,” he thought.

A few people almost picked him but they all chose someone else.

Finally an attractive young intern grabbed him and popped him into the toaster.

“I have a feeling that this is going to be a great day!” he said.

Copyright © 2003, 2014 William Schaeffer